Burnout is a significant concern for pastors and church staff. If you’re overworked and not paying attention to the signs, you can end up doing serious damage to your ministry.
In addition to paying attention to your workload and stress level, consider how your work might be impacting your family. Even if they are not serving on staff, your ministry can affect them as well.
Here are four ways that ministry can burn out family members.
1. The need to be perfect.
The feeling that your family is on display and has to be on their best behavior at all times can be stressful. No marriage is perfect. But if the expectation is that yours needs to appear to be, that can be damaging for everyone—your spouse most of all. The same is true for kids who are expected to be faultless.
You don’t expect your family to be perfect. But a lot of times they can pick up this burden from things said by others. Have regular and open conversations to help remind your family members to reject this unnecessary burden.
2. Your constant absence.
The idea that pastors spend a lot of time away from their families is almost a cultural cliché at this point. But we’ve arrived at this place because it can be a severe problem. The expectations placed on clergy can be rough and might keep pastors away from home day and night.
If that’s become the case, it’s essential to put boundaries in place to protect your family time. Sit down with your loved ones to create a family schedule that’s sacred, and prioritize that time.
3. Being forced into ministry positions.
It can be surprising to be hired by a church and then realize they think they hired your spouse too. So many pastors’ spouses can tell stories about being expected (or forced) to lead ministries or sit on committees simply because they are married to the pastor.
This expectation can be just as tough on kids. The need for volunteers can often be a burden on the pastor’s children because they’re easier to ask than others. The unspoken expectation that they’re perfect can lead to the assumption they’re always available to help out.
You are on the church’s payroll, not your family. Of course, they can volunteer if they want to, but never assume without talking to them first. In addition, be an advocate for them when other staff or church members voice the assumption that your spouse or children can or should take on church responsibilities simply because of their relationship to you.
4. Carrying your ministry burden.
No one in ministry would argue that the pastorate isn’t difficult. At times it can be lonely and disappointing. A compounding factor, unfortunately, is that many pastors don’t have a lot of close friends to talk to about their frustrations, and those feelings get brought home.
It can be hard on your family—specifically your children—to carry the annoyances of ministry without it affecting their understanding of the church and the people in it. Children may experience cognitive dissonance from listening to their parents talk at home about irritations with church members while feeling the expectation when they are at church to pretend like everything’s great. The stress of carrying frustrations they’ve picked up from you that they can’t speak about can be difficult to deal with.
Be mindful of how you talk about people in the congregation around your family—especially your children.
Protecting your family.
It’s an honor to be called to vocational ministry, and it also comes with a set of challenges that, left unaddressed, can put undue stress on your loved ones. As a pastor, you’re shepherding a flock that, on some level, includes your family. Aim to protect their hearts too.
