Pastors are in the relationship business. Church leaders who want to become more productive, influential, persuasive, and avoid many of the pitfalls that come with poor communication can focus on becoming better listeners.
We live in a culture that places a higher premium on being understood than on understanding. But wise pastors will put time and effort into the listening side of communication before seeking to be understood.
Here are four tips you can put into practice right away that will help you become a better listener.
1. Develop curiosity about others.
It’s easy for church leaders to think that the main thing people expect from them is answers. Knowing how to advise, instruct, and encourage people is a critical element of the role. But when you think responding well is your job, you’re less likely to be an attentive listener. While someone is sharing their thoughts, part of your brain is paying attention and the other part is engaged in coming up with a response.
Listening is an active skill, which means to do it well, you must pause the part of your brain that’s looking for opportunities to interject bits of wisdom. Truly hearing others requires that you focus on really understanding. It might help to think of yourself as a detective. You’re not listening to be polite—you’re genuinely curious about what makes people tick and where they’re coming from.
When advising others takes a backseat to understanding others, you not only become a better listener, you become a much better adviser too.
2. Make a game of asking questions.
Maybe you’re sitting down with a parishioner over coffee. What if you thought of yourself as a famous journalist with the job of asking interesting questions no one’s thought to ask yet? Or maybe you aim to ask three questions for every one answer you give.
Asking thoughtful questions communicates to the speaker that you’re genuinely interested in them and their story. It encourages them to trust you and to open up.
3. Restate what you have heard.
Communication is hard. We take for granted that the meaning we attach to someone’s words is the same as what they intended. It’s easy for things to go awry. That’s why a good listener is doing more than hearing someone. They also make sure that they understand.
This is why it’s so important to occasionally say, “What I hear you saying is . . .” If you’re right, it demonstrates to the other person that you’ve been listening well. And if you’re off the mark, it lets the person know that you want to understand and gives them the opportunity to clarify what they meant. Obviously, this becomes more important as the stakes in a conversation get higher.
Taking time to paraphrase what you’re hearing makes a big difference.
4. Pay attention to body language.
Genuine conversation is about more than exchanging verbal cues. This is why it’s so important to give someone your undivided attention when you’re talking to them. Rather than looking at your phone, or at the people moving around you, look into their eyes and engage with them by doing things like nodding or smiling.
You also want to practice observing their nonverbal communication cues. What does their posture tell you? How about their tone of voice, gestures, or facial expressions? These “tells” help you clue into their emotional state and openness. Do you get the sense that someone’s shutting down? Is it time to change the subject in order to reengage them? Do you observe sadness or avoidance when a topic comes up? Is this a topic that could use some gentle probing?
Learning to clue into nonverbal cues equips you to take your listening skills to the next level.
Listening is a critical skill.
The famed novelist Ernest Hemingway once said, “When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” He said these words in an age where people were less distracted by technology and noise. If listening was unusual then, it’s only become more rare and elusive.
Keep in mind that becoming a better listener only works when it’s the end and not a means to some other goal. When you’re going through the motions, it’s obvious. If you want to become a good listener, it has to be to know people better and understand them.
Pastors who prioritize listening well will build stronger relationships. And stronger relationships will result in greater productivity, trust, and connection, both with team members and congregants.
